


Rusted Chains, Dusty Knees

by FutureLikeJicasso



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Format, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Seungmin is also there, Strangers to Lovers, Summer Vibes, some cursing but not excessive i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25292395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FutureLikeJicasso/pseuds/FutureLikeJicasso
Summary: Hyunjin tries his best to be a good son and a good student, but sometimes it gets to be a little too much, and he just can't be good enough. Maybe it's time to be bad for a change.When he sneaks out one summer night, he doesn't expect to meet an interesting stranger in a nearby playground. He doesn't expect the other boy to welcome him and understand him, their midnight meetings a precious secret for just the two of them to share. He doesn't know what he was expecting, but it definitely wasn't Changbin.Hyunjin wants to see him again.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 39
Kudos: 164
Collections: STRAY KIDS BIGBANG: 2020





	Rusted Chains, Dusty Knees

**Author's Note:**

> all ages given are international~
> 
> revealed at last~ surprise! this one was mine :D
> 
> this fic was written for the SKZ2020 bigbang event! a collaboration between stray kids writers and artists~
> 
> [corresponding artwork](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T0s4dCLg2KfcqzaqC7DWh_ebvDIkQIO-/view?usp=drivesdk) as created by Clock/@soren_centric on twitter! please show it a lot of love ♥

_i._

  
  


_23:57_

Hyunjin’s curfew was 8PM.

He wasn’t sure what drove him to do it - clambering out of his bedroom window like something out of a teen movie and using a nearby tree to lower himself to the ground without breaking any bones. He’d never done anything like that before, and never thought he ever would. Hyunjin was a good boy.

Maybe he’d finally had enough of not doing anything like it, after all this time, and when his headphones no longer blocked out the yelling and slamming from the kitchen downstairs, Hyunjin found himself grabbing whatever shoes he could find without leaving the room and opening the window before he really registered what he was doing.

It was when he turned the corner at the end of the street, his house out of sight, that Hyunjin decided he was no longer one of the good boys. He was _sneaking out_ . He was a _bad boy_ now.

Hyunjin always wondered what it was like to be bad. He had always been a well-behaved boy with well-behaved friends; a good son of a good family in a good neighbourhood. His parents had good jobs, and Hyunjin got good grades. Life was good. Except when it wasn’t. When Hyunjin’s grades weren’t _quite_ good enough; when his parents admonished him for wasting precious study time on silly things like dancing instead of working to get into a top university like his cousin did; when Hyunjin’s father came home late at night or not at all, leaving him alone with his increasingly anxious and snappy mother; when his parents’ nagging and bickering escalated into yelling, threats, accusations.

Yelling about work, yelling about money, yelling about each other’s friends or family or something they said or something they did. 

Yelling about Hyunjin.

Life was good, except when it wasn’t, behind closed doors.

Maybe it was time for Hyunjin to be bad, for a change.

Of course, having never snuck out before, Hyunjin wasn’t sure where to go now. He couldn’t go to Seungmin’s - Seungmin would be asleep for sure, and his parents might tell Hyunjin’s parents, or someone who _knew_ Hyunjin’s parents, and he couldn’t risk that.

He kicked a can along the road with a sigh. The problem with having just one best friend, even though Seungmin had been by Hyunjin’s side since they were little and was, by all accounts, the best friend Hyunjin could ask for, was that if Seungmin _couldn’t_ be there for him, he didn’t have anywhere else to turn.

Hyunjin paused by a convenience store before shaking his head. He didn’t have any money with him - hell, he didn’t have anything with him. He didn’t bring his wallet or a jacket or even his _phone_. At least he didn’t need a jacket for now, as the sticky heat of recent summer days dragged on into the night, but he still didn’t have anything to occupy him except his own thoughts.

A glance across the street gave him all the distraction he needed, looming shadows in the darkness all but stopping Hyunjin’s pulse for a moment before he realised, a nostalgic pang in his chest, what he was looking at.

A playground.

Hyunjin was in high school, he didn’t _play_ anymore. He might mess around on social media, or listen to music, or sing or dance in his free time, but he didn’t play. He hadn’t played since elementary school, when he and Seungmin would sit and plan elaborate storylines to act out (Seungmin always liked having a script) and lose themselves in their own little world, their adventures leading them to all corners of the playground, to the tippy-tops of the play equipment, to continuing in-character conversations in hushed voices at the dinner table at one of their houses.

Elementary school, when things were better. When things were good.

Maybe Hyunjin needed to play, after all, and with that thought (or no thoughts at all, mind blissfully blank) he made his way across the street to the shadows that no longer scared him.

As his fingers closed around the rusted metal handrail of the slide, paint peeling off at the touch, Hyunjin forgot about raised voices and slammed doors and _not good enough_ s, and focused on his steps - one at a time, the thrill of climbing higher that never changed, from seven to seventeen.

It wasn’t a long drop, but the breeze on Hyunjin’s cheeks on the way down was calming, freeing even, before he made a soft landing in a small pile of sand gathered at the bottom of the slide.

He ran his hand through the sand, paying no mind to the twigs and rocks and watching as it slipped between his fingers. So many metaphors on the tip of his tongue, at the back of his mind, but Hyunjin was too tired to be poetic right now.

Maybe this was what he’d needed.

“Yo,” a rough voice in the darkness, and Hyunjin froze, blood running cold at the unexpected company. “What are you doing here?”

Hyunjin swallowed hard, searching around before his gaze finally came to rest on a shadowy figure on the swings. He couldn’t make out the other boy’s face, not in the dark, but he could tell that he was looking at him. Leaning forward in his seat on the swingset, not moving but instead fiddling with what looked like a cigarette between his lips, watching Hyunjin.

Waiting for Hyunjin to say something.

“I-” Hyunjin began, mouth dry, “I can leave.”

Hyunjin didn’t really want to leave - where else would he go, aside from home? He wasn’t ready to go back there just yet, so he waited for a response, a movement, a threat.

“Huh. I was just asking.” The threat never came, and while nothing along the lines of _it’s okay, stick around_ was actually said, the tension in Hyunjin’s muscles slowly melted away into the midnight haze as if it had been. He swirled his fingertips along the sand in tiny spirals, aimless trails that overlapped each other. A _creak_ reminded Hyunjin that he wasn’t alone - the other boy still watching him from the swings, rocking a little bit on his heels. When Hyunjin looked up to meet his eyes properly again (at least, Hyunjin assumed - it _was_ dark) the boy gave a little jerk of his head towards the other, unoccupied swing. “You gonna swing, or…?”

An invitation?

Why not?

If they were remotely close in age, Hyunjin couldn’t tell, but he was out here in the park on a school night and this guy was out here in the park on a school night and maybe, just maybe, that made him one of Hyunjin’s people now.

It was with that thought that Hyunjin brushed the sand from his sweatpants and crossed the playground, steps punctuated with sharp _creaks_ from the swingset chains.

“Looks kinda like you came out here in your pyjamas,” the mysterious boy pointed out when Hyunjin took a seat on the swing beside him. Not a question, not really leading anywhere, just an observation, with a hint of a smile in his tone.

Hyunjin glanced down at himself briefly. His dance sweats with the worn-out knees, sneakers not tied properly, and an oversized t-shirt covered in cartoon characters - maybe not his best look. “Guess I did.”

In a strange mixture of clouded moonlight and dying streetlamps, Hyunjin got a proper look at the other boy’s face for the first time. He seemed young, maybe Hyunjin’s age or a little older, and while there was a distinct harshness etched into his features, the way he smiled at Hyunjin in that moment was undeniably...soft.

“I feel that.” His voice was low, and turning his eyes back to the sky above them, he gave a thoughtful hum before pulling the little stick out from between his lips.

A lollipop. Hyunjin couldn’t suppress a little smile of his own at that, and the twitch at the corner of the other boy’s mouth as he kept his attention trained firmly on the sky really made it feel like he knew it.

He went on. “Sometimes you got other places you don’t wanna be, huh?”

He didn’t seem to be waiting for Hyunjin to answer him, and Hyunjin didn’t, just watching as the boy popped the lollipop back into his mouth before kicking off from the ground and starting to swing properly.

Maybe it was weird, just watching him swing in silence, but the stranger didn’t seem to mind, and the back-and-forth motion was kind of soothing, putting Hyunjin to sleep while the muggy heat weighed him down like a blanket.

Okay, and maybe he let himself stare a little, too. Bouncing a bit on his toes and letting the swing drift around as it pleased, Hyunjin stared, spacing out, only the roughness of rusted chains against his fingertips keeping him tethered to reality.

Messy black hair, a hoodie and jeans despite the heat, what appeared to be a cap discarded on the ground nearby - the boy was like the personification of darkness itself. He definitely didn’t go to Hyunjin’s school, either, if he even went to school at all. With a gaze that heavy and jawline that sharp, Hyunjin would have remembered a face like his from somewhere around, even if just as one of the delinquents that Seungmin scolded him for so much as looking at in the halls.

It was funny, how someone like this - all darkness and sharp edges - could exude such a welcoming aura. A warmth distinct from the summer heat.

Tipping his head back, Hyunjin began to swing.

The stars, at least the few that he could see, were beautiful.

He concentrated on the stars, pulse beginning to race as he swung higher and higher, as if he could reach right out and touch them if he just made it a little bit further. In the corner of his vision, he could see the swing beside his slow down a little, never quite stopping - perhaps it was the other guy’s turn now. To stare, to speculate. Hyunjin let him, focusing on the brightest star he could see and willing himself to swing higher, just a tiny bit higher.

Hyunjin probably looked a total mess, especially with the wind in his hair and rust rubbing off onto his hands, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when, for the first time in a long time. He didn’t _feel_ like a total mess.

At some point, their swings fell into sync. It was nice, in a weird way, Hyunjin felt kind of like he was part of something, the two of them swinging quietly side by side.

His alarm for school was in a few hours, for sure, but Hyunjin wasn’t thinking about it at all.

“On three?” The boy kept his voice low, but just enough to be heard over the _screech_ es of the swings.

“One-”

“Two-”

“Three!”

For just a moment, after letting go of the chains, Hyunjin really felt like he was flying. Like nothing was holding him down, and though he would fall any moment, he didn’t fear it - he trusted the ground below to catch him, if a little roughly.

And so he let himself fall; let himself crash-land into the sand in an inelegant, giggling heap; let the sand get in through the holes in his sweats or stick to the back of his neck as he flopped onto his back.

At this time of night, Hyunjin would normally be lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about his homework, or a test, maybe.

Tonight, he stared up at the stars, breath evening out to match that of the boy on the ground beside him.

Hyunjin wasn’t sure how long they lay there, not even talking, but eventually the other boy moved to stand, before holding out a hand.

Hyunjin took it, and as he was pulled to his feet, he could feel something being pressed into his palm with a muffled crinkling sound. Before he could so much as open his mouth to ask what it was, however, he was cut off.

“Changbin,” the boy murmured, looking Hyunjin up and down and eyes widening just a little bit as he took in the height difference between them. Hyunjin wrapped his fingers around the little object in his hand, about to insist that no, his name was Hyunjin, actually, when he realised that the shorter boy was probably telling Hyunjin _his_ name.

“Hyunjin,” he replied with a smile that the other boy - _Changbin_ \- returned. With one hand - a hand that, just like Hyunjin’s, was covered in sand and dust and rust and chipped paint - Changbin pushed his hair out of his face and gestured back towards the swings with his elbow. Hyunjin nodded, but didn’t follow him, not yet.

First, he unwrapped the lollipop in his hands, unable to tell what colour the wrapping was supposed to be in the dark.

The sharpness of apple on his tongue gave way to sweetness as he sat back down on the swings beside Changbin. The words _thank you_ and _you’re welcome_ were never said out loud, but maybe there was no point. They’d only have been swallowed up by the night air, or lost to the _creak_ s of the swingset as Changbin, then Hyunjin, began to swing again.

When the time finally came that Hyunjin admitted he really needed to go home (after all, his father would be waking up for work soon) Changbin didn’t get up from the swings, or even say goodbye. Instead, he gave a little half-wave with his fingertips, unable to let go of the chain fully without his swing veering to one side, with a simple _see ya_ that had Hyunjin’s heart racing. 

Racing, as his feet raced him home along familiar streets that seemed so alien under the cover of darkness. 

Racing, as his mind, too, raced with the same _see ya_ over and over again.

Maybe, Hyunjin thought as he hauled himself back in through his bedroom window, it was just the thrill of an adventure; of breaking the rules; of having a secret to share with just one person even though they were, essentially, strangers. So many _maybe_ s, and one _definitely_.

Hyunjin wanted to see Changbin again.

  
  
  


_ii._

  
  


Hyunjin didn’t tell anyone about it.

The only candidate for such a thing would have been Seungmin, anyway, and whenever Hyunjin so much as entertained the thought he could already hear his best friend’s voice scolding him in his mind. _You can’t trust random people like that! What if he’d been a murderer? I can’t believe you snuck out in the middle of the night - that’s not like you at all._

So, Hyunjin didn’t tell anyone about it. But he thought about it constantly. Thought about _Changbin_ constantly.

It was a little embarrassing, thinking so much about someone he hardly knew, but Hyunjin couldn’t help it. Sometimes his mind would wander during classes, wondering what school, if any, Changbin went to. 

Other times, he’d block out his parents’ bickering with thoughts of what Changbin’s own home was like. 

Some nights, spaced out as he danced alone in his bedroom, the beaten up sneakers that lived in Hyunjin’s bedroom instead of the shoe closet downstairs after his mother tried to throw them out - toes scuffed and gritty with sand, now - would catch his eye, and Hyunjin would wonder if Changbin would be back at the playground again that night.

But Hyunjin had no plans to go back. He couldn’t. He _shouldn’t_ . The first time had been a one-off when something within him snapped, when he couldn’t handle being at home, and he couldn’t _plan_ something like that again. He had school. He had homework. He’d been bad for a night and now he had to go back to being good. A good student, a good son.

And so Hyunjin didn’t go back to the playground. He focused on being a good boy. He was good.

Until he wasn’t quite good enough.

Things had been off all day. Hyunjin had passed his recent English test, and passed it decently well, but not well enough, and there to receive this less-than-stellar news when he got home were his father - sulking in the living room with the newspaper after a problem with the car had made him late for an important company meeting - and his mother, who greeted him a little too loudly and a little too cheerfully, obviously on edge as she entertained one of the neighbours in the kitchen.

Things were always worse when people came over, especially this particular neighbour. She was a perfectly nice woman, but her husband had a much higher-paying job than Hyunjin’s father had, and her children had way better grades and extracurriculars than Hyunjin, and her house was bigger - and nicer - than theirs.

She was a nice woman, but her presence stressed Hyunjin’s parents out and _that_ was what Hyunjin hated.

“Oh, Jinyoung said that English test was so hard! Well done for passing it, Hyunjin.” the neighbour gave him a kind smile before sipping her tea, and it was all Hyunjin could do to return the smile as he shoved the test back into his bag. He knew Jinyoung had all but aced the test, and while he _also_ knew that Jinyoung had private English tuition _and_ foreign pen pals _and_ a head for things like rules and grammar, it still stung a little bit.

“Yes, considering he was so unwell that day,” his mother cut in, bringing a plate of snacks to the table with a measured expression. Hyunjin hadn’t been sick for months, but nodded along, anyway. “He’ll do better next time, certainly.”

Hyunjin didn’t dare to ask for any of the snacks, himself, instead quietly taking his things up to his bedroom before returning to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Without being asked, like a good son would.

For a while, things settled. Hyunjin zoned out as he scrubbed plates and cups and cutlery, only half listening as the two women at the table chatted about work, about houses, about husbands, about children, about college applications, about people Hyunjin didn’t know. It was a little tense, as the house always was, but on the whole, it was peaceful.

Then Hyunjin broke a plate.

He didn’t know how it happened. At some point between lifting the plate out of the sink and putting it in the drying rack with the others, he lost his grip and the peace was shattered like so many ceramic shards across the kitchen floor.

“Oh my goodness, I’m _so_ sorry, are you alright?” Hyunjin’s mother was out of her seat in an instant, hurrying over to their guest before Hyunjin could so much as breathe. He choked on his own apology, unable to do anything but stare at his hands, stare at the floor covered in suds and splashes and pieces of plate. “Get out of the _way_ , Hyunjin! Couldn’t you be more careful?!”

“I-” everything was too loud all of a sudden, too sharp in Hyunjin’s ears. The rustling of newspaper as his father came from the living room to see what the fuss was about; the _Hyunjin dear are you okay? Are you hurt?_ from the neighbour and his mother’s _I’m so sorry, I can’t believe this_ ; the _smash_ of the plate hitting the floor, replaying in his mind over and over. “I have homework.” Hyunjin finally croaked before sprinting out of the kitchen and shutting himself in his bedroom, soap suds on the door handle.

Hyunjin didn’t do his homework. He collapsed onto his bed and hid his face in his hands. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

He didn’t know how long he lay there for. He didn’t bother leaving his room for dinner, and nobody called him. It could have been hours. It felt like days. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

Nobody called him, but Hyunjin did hear his own name after a while. His parents were talking about him, and it wasn’t going to end well - Hyunjin could tell by the strained, slightly screechy tone in his mother’s voice that almost guaranteed an argument would eventually come. Hyunjin. Hyunjin’s test. Hyunjin breaking the plate.

_“You’d think with all the time that boy spends dancing around instead of studying, he wouldn’t be so clumsy.”_

Hyunjin wanted nothing more than to disappear.

A glance in the direction of the window, of the battered sneakers on the floor just beneath it, reminded him that he had the option to do just that.

Lights out, door locked and phone tucked safely into his pocket, Hyunjin opened his bedroom window with a silent prayer that he wouldn’t break anything more than a plate that night.

  
  
  


“You came back.”

Hyunjin hadn’t been on the swing for more than a minute or two when a familiar voice called out to him from somewhere in the direction of the jungle gym. Sure enough, after a moment or so, Changbin appeared by Hyunjin’s side, and a comforting sort of warmth bloomed in Hyunjin’s chest. It had been silly, really, to pin his hopes on the other boy being there, but his hopes were so, _so_ pinned on it anyway.

Changbin hadn’t hurried over to the swings, crossing the playground at a steady pace, but the way he pressed his lips together firmly, like he was struggling to repress a smile, betrayed him just a little bit. Hyunjin did his best to keep his own expression measured, but he could tell from the twinge in his cheeks that he was failing miserably.

When Changbin approached, he didn’t take a seat on the other swing as Hyunjin expected him to - instead, he leaned back against the swingset frame, looking Hyunjin up and down. His smile faded slightly. “I’m...sorry you needed to come back.”

A lump caught in Hyunjin’s throat. True, he hadn’t exactly snuck out for a _happy_ reason, but running into Changbin again, despite the odds, made things better somehow. They were barely more than strangers, but Changbin’s presence was like a bandaid on Hyunjin’s heart, helping to hold him together even if only a little.

“I wanted to.” He found himself admitting, a little too earnestly.

The other boy didn’t seem to have anything to say to that, but the soft chuckle - almost lost to the sound of a passing car - that escaped as Changbin turned his gaze up to the night sky had Hyunjin hopeful that he’d put his mind at ease.

With a quiet _creak_ , Hyunjin began to swing gently.

“How about you?” Hyunjin couldn’t help but ask, “Do you come here every night or something?”

“Not every night. Just a lot - I guess most.” Changbin replied easily, and just like that, they once again settled into a comfortable silence. At least, an almost-silence, broken only by the _squeaks_ of rusty chains.

He could feel it again - Changbin’s eyes on him. It was like a little buzz under his very skin that only subsided when he glanced over to meet the other boy’s eyes. The darkness made Hyunjin a little shameless as he, too, let himself stare, just like before.

Changbin was wearing jeans again, with a sleeveless shirt more appropriate for the summer heat, and maybe Hyunjin’s gaze lingered a little too long on his exposed arms for reasons Hyunjin didn’t care to justify even to himself. He always seemed to be put together, like hanging around in the playground all night was part of his routine, an event to be dressed for rather than a spur of the moment thing. Not like Hyunjin’s sudden, overwhelming need to get away.

Not like Hyunjin, still in his school uniform and his ratty sneakers. For all Hyunjin knew, he could have still had ink on his cheeks from touching his face too much at school, or damp patches on his clothes scarcely noticeable in the low light.

As they quietly watched each other, he wondered what Changbin saw.

Louder than the hums of passing vehicles and the creaking of the swings, a harsh growl from Hyunjin’s stomach ripped through the haze that had settled around them. Hyunjin felt it more than he heard it, a sharp pang that reminded him that he hadn’t actually eaten anything since lunch. He could only look down with an embarrassed laugh, like the threat of being watched would somehow silence the sound.

No such luck. When Hyunjin looked up again, Changbin wasn’t laughing with him. Instead, there was a hint of confusion, even surprise in Changbin’s eyes, like he’d been snapped out of some kind of trance.

Hyunjin kept swinging, but held Changbin’s gaze as best he could, anyway.

“Hyunjin…” Changbin’s voice was low, and Hyunjin allowed his swing to slow to a stop. His own name from Changbin’s lips was still something strange, something new, and the slight waver in the other boy’s voice made Hyunjin wonder if he felt the same way. “...are you okay?”

He swallowed, an impulsive answer right there on his tongue. He could have thought about it, really organised his feelings and his situation and his grumbling stomach and said something intelligent. Something articulate.

But he didn’t.

“I am right now, yeah.”

If his honesty made Changbin uncomfortable, he didn’t show it. Instead he leaned forward, resting his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder and giving a gentle squeeze. Hyunjin couldn’t help but tense at first, but quickly relaxed under the other boy’s touch.

Another growl, softer this time, and Hyunjin gave Changbin a sheepish grin.

Changbin opened his mouth to say something, then, but whatever it was didn’t seem to want to come out. Perhaps he, too, had forgotten how to think.

“Wait here a sec.” He murmured after a brief pause, removing his hand from Hyunjin’s shoulder and heading back over to the jungle gym. Hyunjin watched him go, watched a little too intently as Changbin hauled himself up onto the lookout platform on top of the jungle gym with his strong arms, as the night air felt a little warmer than Hyunjin remembered. Watched as Changbin emerged a moment later with something slung over his shoulder, and made his way back to Hyunjin’s side.

Before Hyunjin could even ask, Changbin dropped the thing - what appeared to be a backpack, not even closed - onto the ground next to the swingset. “Watch this for me? I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

And Changbin was gone, leaving Hyunjin alone with his backpack, his growling stomach and the _squeaks_ of the swings for company.

A voice in the very back of Hyunjin’s mind, that sounded more than a little bit like Seungmin, piped up as he observed the backpack tossed haphazardly into the sand. _There’s something super illegal in there_ , his Inner Seungmin warned, _or super dangerous. What if it’s stolen goods, or drugs, or-_

Another _creak_ cut Hyunjin’s Inner Seungmin off mid-sentence, and he leaned over to peer inside the backpack as best he could in the darkness. The cap from last time, a tangle of cables and what looked like a notebook were all Hyunjin could see from where he was sitting - nothing heavy. Surely wherever Changbin had wandered off to, he could have easily brought the backpack with him, or even just left it on top of the jungle gym where Hyunjin hadn’t even realised it existed.

Unless, perhaps, he was making a point by leaving it behind. By leaving it with Hyunjin. 

By trusting Hyunjin with his belongings.

By assuring Hyunjin that he would come back.

It was a new feeling, being alone in the playground like this. Not alone and feeling there was nobody else in the world, like before the first time he met Changbin. Not alone and hoping, secretly, that someone else would show up, like when he first arrived in the park that night. But alone, with the promise that someone was coming back for him. That someone wanted him to be there when he got back.

Another growl, and all Hyunjin could do was laugh and start swinging again, eyes on the stars. It was an ugly combination of sounds however Hyunjin looked at it, but with the midnight breeze soothing his skin, he couldn’t help but find it weirdly beautiful.

  
  


It was a rustle of bushes and a low “yo” that heralded Changbin’s return, and Hyunjin - brushing the sand from his knees having leapt from the swings a little too enthusiastically a few minutes prior - raised his hand in a wave.

Except as he did so, a small papery object whizzed through the air in his direction, hitting his palm and falling into his lap when he failed to catch it.

Glancing between Changbin - who had taken a seat on the empty swing and was pulling a similar wrapped object out of a plastic bag looped over his wrist - and the paper _thing_ , Hyunjin hesitantly picked it up. Warmth emanated from the wrapping and into his palms, and with a curious hum, Hyunjin made to open it.

A steamed bun. Hyunjin blinked at it a few times, tilting his head and watching as the light of a nearby streetlamp reflected from the bun like it held the answers to the dozens of questions running through Hyunjin’s mind that he couldn’t put into words even if he wanted to.

He didn’t bother trying to put them into words though. Changbin’s eyes were still on him, on the steamed bun in his hands as the other boy unwrapped one of his own. Swallowing down the lump that had mysteriously appeared in his throat and with it, all his uncertainty, all his questions, Hyunjin took a bite.

Hyunjin hadn’t really realised until that moment how hungry he’d been, but as he quietly worked his way through the meat bun, he felt a warmth spreading through his entire body that started from his chest, rather than his stomach.

“Thank you.” Hyunjin wanted to say more, but wasn’t really sure how. Changbin cut him off, though, with a muttered _don’t mention it_ and held out an opened bag of squid chips before Hyunjin could say anything else.

Neither of them spoke very much, the amiable silence punctuated with the _creaks_ of the swings as the two boys rocked slightly on their heels and the _rustle_ of various papers and plastics. A couple of boiled eggs, rice balls, a box of pepero, easily passed between the swings with little more than a _here_ or a _thanks_.

Changbin had also brought back a large bottle of soda, though just the one, and that was passed between them, too. Hyunjin didn’t think about it too much at first, concentrating more on his meal for the time being, but over time, the fizz of soda on his tongue gave way to that buzz under his skin once again, the feeling of Changbin watching him intently, the urge to watch Changbin in return as the other boy received the bottle from Hyunjin’s hands and brought it to his lips.

Maybe Hyunjin’s whole body was fizzing, a little bit, as his gaze flicked between Changbin’s lips and his throat. Maybe he was just warm, fed and a little bit emotional.

“So-” Hyunjin began, unsure where he was actually going to go from there. It was like words were just bubbling up from beneath the surface, and he had no idea what they would be until they were already out. From beside him, Changbin’s swing slowed to a stop. “I got an English test back today.”

“Ah.” Changbin hummed, as if in that moment he suddenly understood absolutely everything. He reached into the plastic bag, left on the ground beside the swings, before leaning closer to Hyunjin’s swing with a loud _creak_.

Crinkling plastic in Hyunjin’s hand, and it was all Hyunjin could do not to smile like an idiot, instead watching the sand beneath his swing swoosh and swirl around as his feet skimmed the ground.

“Hyunjin,” the other boy continued, then, not quite holding Hyunjin’s hand, but not quite moving away, either. Barely in contact, a light touch, yet enough that it felt like the only thing anchoring Hyunjin to Earth in that moment. Changbin wasn’t looking at him anymore, but the buzz under Hyunjin’s skin remained even as his companion stared up at the night sky. “You’re not your failures, yeah? All a failed test means is you couldn’t do some specific thing at some specific time. It doesn’t mean you can’t, or you won’t.”

The corner of Hyunjin’s lips quirked into a small smile, then, and he brought his hand away from Changbin’s after what had felt like all too long.

The lollipop was strawberry today, sweet in his mouth as he took hold of the chains of his swing and began to swing a little more intently. “It’s funny,” he hummed around the lollipop. “I didn’t even fail. I just...wasn’t good enough.”

_“Ah_ . _”_ The swings fell into sync once again, not too fast, not too slow, not too far off the ground. A natural back and forth rhythm, like a pulse beating through the night air. “And who said you weren’t good enough? You?”

“No.” Hyunjin felt a little nauseous all of a sudden, thinking about his parents at home. Thinking about English tests, thinking about neighbours and soap suds and broken plates. His stomach swirled like it was filled with actual squids, rather than squid chips. Pushing himself to swing higher, swing harder, he put on a shrill impersonation of his mother’s voice. _“Hyunjin, why are you like this? How will you get into a good college like this?”_

Beside him, Changbin snorted. “Oh, I feel that one hard. _Fuck_ college.”

The curse was rough from Changbin’s throat, probably harsher than intended, but the venom in the other boy’s voice never reached Hyunjin as honestly, he related so, so much. Hyunjin could only dream of saying anything, anything at all, with as much conviction behind it as Changbin could. “You too, huh?”

“Well, yeah. I got my own reasons to be here, you know?”

Hyunjin didn’t know, and briefly, just briefly, he let his swing slow down a little bit, leaving an opening for Changbin to speak. But if Changbin saw his chance to elaborate, he chose not to, instead keeping a determined eye on the stars and continuing to swing higher, like if he swung hard enough he could physically launch himself away from what he’d just said.

And well, that was a feeling Hyunjin could understand, too.

  
  


That night - or rather, that morning, as the first hints of dawn threatened to break the spell over the playground - Changbin _did_ say goodbye.

“Take care of yourself, yeah?” Changbin had smiled up at Hyunjin then, flat on his back in the sand after the pair had jumped from the swings and decided it wasn’t really worth getting up again until Hyunjin had to go home. “See ya.”

All Hyunjin had been able to manage in response was a breathless _yeah_ , watching as Changbin pushed his hair out of his face paying no mind to the dust all over his hands. Hyunjin didn’t want to go home, he didn’t want to go to bed, to wake up in a couple of hours for school, to have breakfast with his parents like everything was fine and dandy.

But alas, unlike the little midnight bubble that the two boys shared in the park that night, the real world didn’t really care about what Hyunjin wanted.

  
  


Hyunjin’s appetite was spoiled for breakfast, but the _tuts_ from his mother went unheard as he found himself deaf to the whole world save the little _fizz_ in his chest.

  
  
  


_iii._

  
  


Hyunjin was sick to the back teeth of school.

It wasn’t even _hard_ . He just couldn’t bring himself to _care_. Everything, every class, every teacher, demanded so much time and energy from him and really, Hyunjin had to wonder what the point of it all even was. It was like he was running on autopilot, going through his daily routine of putting on his uniform, walking to school, sitting quietly in classes and taking notes and speaking when spoken to. A good boy, a good student who was going to get good grades and go to good places.

One of Hyunjin’s classmates from a few rows behind cheerfully announced to his friends that _this chemistry project can get fucked I’m dropping out after this semester anyway_ , and all Hyunjin could really think to that was how much he wished that could be him.

“I can’t believe that guy sometimes. Dropping out now? I don’t know what he thinks he’s gonna do in life with a middle school education, but it’s none of my business, I guess.” had been Seungmin’s two cents on the matter. Hyunjin just nodded along, gratefully copying the geography notes that Seungmin had let him borrow after Hyunjin’s attention span had checked out entirely and thrown him to the wolves in third period.

Hyunjin was having a particularly crappy day. He’d woken up on the wrong side of the bed, been scolded at breakfast for having his elbows on the table, spaced out for most of the morning, then found himself accosted by some of his former teammates from the dance club during lunch.

_“Hyunjin, there’s still time to join this year, you know?”_

_“Yeah, won’t you come back? We’re about to start practicing for the school festival and we could really use you in the team!”_

_“You could at least think about it, right?”_

It had put Hyunjin right off his lunch. Truthfully, there was nothing Hyunjin wanted more than to rejoin the dance club, but he wasn’t allowed to, not this year, and he didn’t really know how to explain that without sounding...kinda pathetic in front of everybody.

So he didn’t. He didn’t explain, and he very definitely didn’t think about joining the dance club. Except for the times when he did think about it, which was all the time. Ugh.

At least Seungmin didn’t question it, though sometimes Hyunjin wasn’t sure if that was better or worse. His best friend seemed to think it was obvious that Hyunjin had dropped club activities after first year to focus on his studies instead - after all, that was exactly what Seungmin himself had done, being active in debate club for first year and first year only.

_I wouldn’t be able to continue in third year anyway, and I want to get into good study habits before then so the third year college prep doesn’t get overwhelming,_ had been Seungmin’s reasoning, as if he weren’t already keeping excellent study habits and didn’t already have more than enough time and energy to juggle extracurriculars too. Seungmin was the kind of guy who made up his mind and stuck to it, and Hyunjin wished he could say the same. _I miss debate club, but as long as I start seeing improvements, I’m sure I won’t miss it too much._

Shoving another _B-_ math quiz into his bag, Hyunjin wondered what the hell it was all for.

  
  


To top it all off, it rained.

Hyunjin knew it was going to rain, as his father had complained about the weather forecast over breakfast that morning, and he’d at least remembered to bring along an umbrella. Still, walking home in the rain was pretty damn miserable, and didn’t help his current mood any. Seungmin had English classes after school, too, meaning Hyunjin was alone with his thoughts and the grey and the damp.

What had started as a light drizzle as Hyunjin and Seungmin parted ways at the school gates had become a full-on downpour in relatively short order, the heavens all but opening up above him and making it hard to see.

Still, from the pavement under his feet, Hyunjin knew he was close to the playground.

His route home led him past the playground every day, but it never held the same pull during daylight hours as it did at night. It was like a different place, a different world entirely, to the secret escape that Hyunjin had with Changbin with only the flickering streetlamps and the stars in the sky as their witnesses.

He swallowed, kicking through a puddle with a feeble little _splish_. Changbin. Hyunjin hadn’t been to the playground in ages, swamped with schoolwork and simply too exhausted to drag himself out of his bedroom window without risking falling right out.

Leaning against the fence that surrounded the park, Hyunjin idly glanced over the play equipment with a sigh, as if he could will Changbin to appear just by thinking about him. He wondered how the other boy was doing - did he have an umbrella today? Maybe he was like Seungmin, safely indoors at some kind of after school class? He still didn’t know if Changbin even went to school.

Thoughts of black clothes and black hair were cut short as Hyunjin’s attention was taken by a small, black object under the jungle gym. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much - kids left things behind in the park all the time, like toys or hats or even socks - but something compelled Hyunjin to enter the playground, hurrying over to the jungle gym and crouching down to investigate the little object resting in the dampened sand.

A notebook, edges slightly soft with water and cover spattered by falling raindrops. It had been mostly protected by the jungle gym, it seemed, but as the rainfall grew more intense and the wind began to blow, it probably wouldn’t be safe for long.

A few plastic wrappers in shades of pink and green stuck out from the pages, and Hyunjin’s heart skipped a beat.

He couldn’t just leave it there - it would get _ruined_ , and Hyunjin was pretty sure he’d seen a notebook in Changbin’s bag before, so whatever it was had to be important enough for the other boy to bring with him on his midnight ventures. His mind scrambled to catch up, trying to think of a plan to get Changbin’s notebook back to him. Hyunjin didn’t know where he lived, or what school he went to, or any contact details or even his full name.

But he couldn’t just leave it there.

_Maybe if I put it in something…_ was his first thought, and without sparing any thought to the wet sand sticking to his uniform or his schoolbag, he set his bag on the ground to rummage for his lunchbox. Clear plastic, it would have been perfect had it been big enough, but the notebook wouldn’t fit inside.

The rain fell harder still, pummelling hard against Hyunjin’s skin straight through his clothes. He held the notebook against his chest protectively, shielding it with his whole body. He needed a new plan.

The book was going to have to come home with him, but if Changbin had been in the park recently - probably the previous night, even - he’d likely notice the book’s absence soon, and Hyunjin had no idea when he’d be able to meet with Changbin again to give it back.

Still, the first thing he had to do was get the notebook out of the rain. He opened his schoolbag a little wider to tuck Changbin’s notebook safely inside, when a _B-_ in vivid ink caught his eye.

_That’s it._

Pulling the math test out of his bag and scrabbling for a pen, Hyunjin began to write.

  
  


_Changbin,_

_Your notebook is safe with me!! I found it right here in the rain._

_I’ll give it back as soon as I can!!_

_-Hyunjin_

  
  


Scrawling CHANGBIN on the lid for good measure, Hyunjin shut the math test inside the lunchbox securely before tucking it under the jungle gym, where it would hopefully stay out of sight of the neighbourhood kids until it reached its rightful recipient, who would probably come back to the park sooner rather than later in search of his notebook.

If only he could, Hyunjin would have stayed in the park all afternoon and well into the night if it meant possibly running into Changbin and returning what was his, but he knew if he dawdled any longer, his parents were going to ask questions, and he didn’t really want to invite any more of those than he had to. And so, with a nervous skip in his heart, Hyunjin turned his back on the jungle gym and left the park, Changbin’s notebook tucked safely away in his bag. It felt wrong, but exciting, bringing what was essentially a small part of Changbin _out_ of the playground with him.

It was an actual, tangible reminder, bigger than the candy wrappers forgotten in his pockets, that Changbin was real.

Hyunjin hoped the rain would let up by nightfall, if only for Changbin’s sake.

  
  
  


While he managed to avoid the subject of the missing math test, Hyunjin did, eventually, have to admit to ‘losing’ his lunchbox.

“You _lost_ it? How on Earth did you manage that? Honestly, Hyunjin, what’s _wrong_ with you?” His mother had groaned, opening the kitchen cupboards in search of a replacement.

“Sorry.” Was all Hyunjin had to say to that, even though he really wasn’t, at all. There was a funny sort of energy thrumming under Hyunjin’s skin that he couldn’t quite explain, a warmth that shielded him from his mother’s disappointed expression and his father’s mutters of _useless slip of a boy_ from behind his newspaper.

He excused himself to his room under the guise of reviewing his geography notes, and he really did intend to do so, but once the door clicked shut behind him, all Hyunjin could think about was the little black notebook, now sitting on his desk.

He hadn’t opened it. He wasn’t sure if he should. In fact, he was pretty sure that he absolutely should _not_ , and had only been tempted earlier when he considered looking for a hairdryer to dry the pages with. The book hadn’t actually seemed that wet, though, seemingly protected by the jungle gym for long enough that by the time Hyunjin had found it there had only been a little bit of water damage to the cover and the very sides, so he hadn’t bothered.

Now, though, Hyunjin was just straight-up curious.

_I don’t actually know if it’s Changbin’s_ , he reasoned with himself, plopping himself into his chair and taking the book in his hands. It felt so heavy for such a small book, like it was filled with the weight of its sheer potential. _I need to open it to be sure._

The lollipop wrappers peeking out from the pages cheerfully reminded him that this was absolutely not necessary in the slightest, but before Hyunjin could talk himself out of it, he opened the book to a random page. Then another, then another.

Hyunjin hadn’t really been sure what to expect. School notes, perhaps, or a sketchbook if Changbin were secretly the arty type. Maybe even a diary, a journal, a scrapbook.

It seemed to be all of those things, but also none of them.

Hyunjin chose a page and leaned in a little closer to inspect it properly, running a fingertip over dots and dashes; over stretches of five lines dotted with circles; over single sentences, devoid of context; over pairs of rhyming words in all combinations squeezed into the margins, crossed out and rewritten over and over again.

Beat patterns, hashed-out melodies, playing themselves in Hyunjin’s head as he skimmed through the sentences again. Through the rhyming words, tapping his foot absentmindedly to a silent rhythm.

It was only a few pages and several beat changes later when, as the words grew harsher, the penmanship more scratchy and bitter curses left small tears through the paper, that Hyunjin realised he was reading in Changbin’s voice. The one from before, spitting out words like they were on fire in his mouth.

This notebook was definitely private, but now Hyunjin had started, he couldn’t tear himself away. Resigning himself to the fact that he was a horrible person, he flipped back to the very first page of the book, and made himself comfortable in his chair.

It wasn’t geography, but Hyunjin felt like he was going to learn a lot tonight.

  
  


As the night went on in silence, save for the soft papery sounds of turning pages, Hyunjin never did find out Changbin’s full name, or where he went to school, or how old he was. This was no textbook, and it held no facts for him.

Instead, Hyunjin felt like time had stopped flowing entirely. Pencil sketches covered a lot of the pages, words wrapping around them wherever they would fit, sometimes related and sometimes not. And there were a _lot_ of words, a lot of trial and error as entire pages were streaked with poor attempts at erasing unwanted paragraphs and margins and corners were jammed so full of characters they were almost solid black from a distance. Synonyms, antonyms, rhymes and reasons and thoughts and feelings in all kinds of colours, all kinds of mediums, but always in the same voice, laced with hurt and exhaustion in Hyunjin’s mind.

_Not good enough_ s and _never gonna make it_ s and _not worth it_ s struck Hyunjin like a punch to the gut. _Not strong enough_ s, _not sure enough_ s.

_It hurts to be alone._

He found himself blinking away tears. Kind of ironic. The last thing he wanted to do was cause any water damage.

He may not have known Changbin’s name or his age, but from leafing through his notebook Hyunjin felt like he’d looked right into Changbin’s entire soul, and it made him more than a little bit breathless. Tracing over a sketch of some insects flapping around a lamp with his fingertip, Hyunjin was overcome with the overwhelming realisation that Changbin was _beautiful_.

And god, he really, really should not have seen any of this. Hyunjin was _awful_.

Turning another page, Hyunjin found another sketch. Two boys on a swingset under a brilliant sea of stars, inked in with silver pen. There were more words, so many words on the pages around it, and Hyunjin’s stomach twisted the more he read on. There were no curses, not on these pages, no tears in the paper or frustrated scratching out of failed attempts.

Hyunjin’s heart pounded, and he could almost taste strawberries as a few pink candy wrappers fluttered to the floor. Wobbly handwriting, practically giddy, followed a scribbled beat pattern that practically had Hyunjin’s pulse thudding along in time.

For a moment, just a moment, Hyunjin was brought to another world - a world of starshine, of sand, sugar, shaking. Glowing moonlight and sticky summer heat on skin. Freedom, flying, forgetting, forwards. Racing heartbeats and catching breaths, rusted chains and dusty knees.

The notebook didn’t end there, nor did Hyunjin expect it to. There were more pages beyond that point - frustrated pages, lonely pages, scratched out sketches and discarded rhymes - but Hyunjin kept turning back to the same pages over and over again, silver ink on his fingers and his heart tying itself in knots in his chest.

There was no point trying to review his geography notes that night. He wouldn’t be able to think about them. He wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to think about anything else for a long while, except briefly lamenting that even as he started to doze off at his desk, the rain continued to fall outside.

  
  
  


It was still drizzling as Hyunjin walked to school the next day, a little dazed with sleeplessness and overwhelming affection and the notebook hidden safely under his bed.

Still, he at least had the clarity of mind to check under the jungle gym on his way past the playground.

For better or worse, the lunchbox was gone.

  
  
  


_iv._

  
  


The last day of school before summer vacation started was way, way too hot, and Hyunjin might have given in to it and melted right there had he not had something to hold out for.

Hyunjin’s family had no plans for summer vacation at all, and without school factoring into things, Hyunjin didn’t need to worry about things like waking up early, or getting all of his homework done.

(Well, he had some summer homework, but that was for Hyunjin of the future to worry about. For now, Hyunjin of the present was practically vibrating on the spot at the thought of finally, _finally_ slipping out of his bedroom window under the cover of darkness and heading to the playground.)

He’d had Changbin’s notebook for way too long now, and judging from how personal it was, the other boy would definitely want it back as soon as possible. But it had rained practically every day recently, and with so much going on around him, Hyunjin just hadn’t been able to make it back to the park to even _hope_ that Changbin would be there too.

Until tonight, forecast to be warm - too warm, for sure - but clear at the very least.

“We’ll hang out once I get back from my English exchange, yeah?” Seungmin had walked home with Hyunjin that day, linking their arms and cheerfully talking about his own summer plans because unlike Hyunjin, the ever-productive Seungmin had plenty to keep himself occupied over the holidays without even factoring in their homework. Hyunjin knew he was a bad person for thinking it, but he was honestly kind of glad that his best friend would be spending the next couple of weeks in the USA. “We can work on our assignments together if you haven’t done yours yet by then.”

“Oh, I won’t have.” Hyunjin grinned, because he _definitely_ wouldn’t.

  
  


The subject of Seungmin’s summer plans came up again over dinner that evening.

“Ah, Seungmin got into that English program, didn’t he? So he’ll be abroad for the holidays?” Hyunjin simply nodded and concentrated on eating his rice, already regretting mentioning that he’d walked home with Seungmin that day. “I heard it was extremely competitive - even Jinyoung didn’t get a place, so I heard.”

“Seungmin’s English is really good.”

“The boy’s always been the studious type, he works hard.” Hyunjin’s father began, and Hyunjin could already sense what was coming next. “You ought to be more like Seungmin.”

It was something Hyunjin had heard more than enough of for years. “I...I know.”

“Well, considering you _know_ , you don’t seem to _do_ much about it, do you?”

“I’m sorry.” It was all Hyunjin could really say, shrinking into his dinner.

“You’re running out of time to get your act together before college entrance exams next year, you know. You’ll fail if you keep going the way you are, and then what will you do?”

“Well, it’s a good thing Hyunjin isn’t _going_ to fail his entrance exams, isn’t it?” His mother cut in, leaning over the table to get herself some more vegetables and placing a physical barrier between her husband and son.

Hyunjin ate his rice in silence, losing his appetite rapidly. In the back of his mind, he could hear Changbin’s voice saying _fuck college_ , and couldn’t help cracking a smile.

“What’s so funny, boy?”

“Oh, uh- sorry, I’m just. Sleepy. I guess.” He laughed nervously, setting his bowl down on the table just a little too loudly. “You know what, I think I might go to bed early tonight. Seungmin always goes to bed early, so uh. Yeah. Um. Thanks for dinner.” He was speaking faster than he was thinking, rising from his chair with a sheepish grin and starting to feel a little bit nauseous the longer his parents’ eyes were on him. He needed to get out of the kitchen, immediately. “Goodnight.”

Hyunjin practically tripped over his own feet sprinting up the stairs, before collapsing onto his bed with a heavy sigh. He really hadn’t thought anything could dampen his good mood, but he supposed unlike himself, his parents were always overachievers.

He reached under the bed, lips quirking into the tiniest hint of a smile as his fingers brushed against the cover of the notebook despite the tears pricking hot in his eyes. He’d read the entire book multiple times by now, cover to cover, and despite feeling sick to the stomach with himself every time he did so, there was something so comforting about it, even the angry parts with the holes in the paper. It was like Changbin was able to put into words emotions that Hyunjin never really realised he was feeling at all, never knew he was able to feel, _allowed_ to feel, like the other boy’s scribbles guided Hyunjin through his own feelings, leading him by the heart into unknown territory.

After a while, Hyunjin’s phone _beep_ ed, breaking the spell, and while he grumbled a little bit as he had to get off the bed and go find it, at least there were no longer tears threatening to spill down his face.

_Seungmin: My flight is really early tomorrow, so I’m going to bed. I’ll send you pictures! Keep me updated, okay?_

Hyunjin resented the bitterness that shot through him when he opened the message. It wasn’t Seungmin’s fault he was perfect. It wasn’t Seungmin’s fault that Hyunjin wasn’t good enough. But Hyunjin was so _tired_ of everything being his fault, he just wanted to be bitter for a minute, to be angry, to be Bad.

Seungmin didn’t deserve that.

_Hyunjin: k_

Maybe a break from everything would be what Hyunjin needed to get his head back on straight - a break from school, a break from the usual faces, a break from his usual _self_. Then he could go back to being Good Hyunjin who was a Good Friend and not a horrible grouchy asshole to his friends who did nothing to warrant it except be better than him.

Ugh.

Glancing over at the notebook now resting on his pillow, Hyunjin wondered if it was too early to start thinking about what he should wear tonight. One of the nice shirts, maybe. Jeans without any holes. After all, it was his first time really getting to make a decent impression, for a change.

  
  


Once everyone else in the house was likely to be asleep, Hyunjin locked his bedroom door and quietly opened his bedroom window. His heart raced in anticipation, notebook safely stowed in his schoolbag, but first, he had to get out of the window without being caught or falling - he couldn’t get ahead of himself, now.

He was halfway out of the window when, entirely by chance, he happened to glance up at the house next door to his own, and he felt his blood run cold when he locked eyes with another person, watching him curiously out of the window.

It was the neighbours’ kid, Jeongin - Hyunjin didn’t know him well, since they weren’t in the same class, but they would often run into each other at the store with their mothers when they were younger, and apparently their bedroom windows faced each other this entire time.

Hyunjin wished he knew Jeongin well, at least well enough to know what the other boy was going to do now. God, what if Jeongin told his parents? What if Jeongin’s parents told _Hyunjin’s_ parents? He’d be in so much trouble. They’d probably bolt his window, at best. At worst, Hyunjin wasn’t sure, and he didn’t really want to find out, watching Jeongin with pleading eyes.

Wide-eyed, Jeongin leaned in close to the window, tilting his head in obvious confusion as if to ask _what the hell are you doing?_ Or perhaps _do you have a deathwish or something?_

(Or maybe it was _are you okay? Do you need help?_ Though why Jeongin would worry about him, Hyunjin didn’t know.)

Hyunjin wasn’t sure how clearly Jeongin could see him, but brought a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture, hoping it was enough.

  
  


A slow nod, and Jeongin held a textbook up a little closer to his face, feigning study as he worried his bottom lip in his teeth.

Hyunjin decided he liked Jeongin a lot, and carefully lowering himself to the ground using a nearby tree, he let that be the last of that before setting off down the street. His feet knew the way by now, without even having to think, and his heart only pulled him there faster.

  
  


“Hi~” Hyunjin called from the bottom of the jungle gym. There had been something, maybe magic or maybe just a ridiculous amount of hope and optimism in the air as Hyunjin entered the playground, and while Changbin hadn’t been on the swings, Hyunjin was pretty sure he’d seen a figure on top of the jungle gym.

“Hey,” Hyunjin’s heart did a flip, as sure enough, Changbin leaned over the edge of the jungle gym. He didn’t miss the way Changbin faltered, obviously giving Hyunjin a once-over and taking in his unusually put-together appearance, before his usual calm expression was back on his face. “You look good.”

He swallowed, mouth a little bit dry. “I feel good. Can I come up?”

“What are you waiting for?” He couldn’t help but smile, then, feeling the twinge in his cheeks as he climbed the side of the jungle gym. Changbin helped him onto the top, offering a hand that Hyunjin gladly took before being bodily hauled right up to sit beside him. Before Hyunjin could say anything like _thanks_ or _you make this look so easy_ , Changbin settled next to him and mumbled. “‘Missed you.”

Yeah, the weather forecast had definitely said it would be warm. Hyunjin’s face burned. “I missed you too. I, uh, have something of yours.”

“I’ve got something of yours, too.” Changbin hummed, catching Hyunjin off guard. He pulled his backpack over to his side, then, and quickly pulled out what Hyunjin recognised as his lunchbox, lid scrubbed completely clean of ink.

“Oh! I didn’t think you’d- ah, thank you. Really.” He took the lunchbox from Changbin’s hands, suddenly too nervous to really think about the contact between their hands as the moment of truth rapidly approached. Putting the lunchbox away in his own bag, Hyunjin closed a hand around the notebook, steeling his nerves with a deep breath. “This belongs to you. I’m...sorry it took so long to get back to you.”

Hyunjin was sorry for so much more than that. He’d known from the first page or so that the contents of Changbin’s notebook were _not_ to be seen by just anybody, and here was Hyunjin, who’d met him barely three times in total, casually leafing through his _extremely_ private writings where he’d bared his entire soul.

(Well, not exactly casually. The exact opposite of casually, really. But that was beside the point.)

Changbin would probably, and quite rightly, be furious with him, and Hyunjin didn’t even have anything similarly personal to offer as an olive branch. He was really going to mess up all his friendships in one day, wasn’t he? The summer heat felt all too stifling, all of a sudden, practically choking him.

Hyunjin turned his attention to the night sky instead, stars shining clearly overhead despite how muggy it was down below. Avoiding Changbin’s gaze, he held out the book. “Here.”

“Thanks~ I was really worried about this,” he chuckled, and Hyunjin only felt worse, the kicker being when Changbin continued. “Did you read it?”

It was the distant _honk_ of a passing car that clued Hyunjin in that he’d taken way, way too long to respond. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

But if Changbin was mad, he didn’t show it, not outwardly. He rested the notebook in his lap, running his thumbs over the corners in a steady back and forth motion. “What did you think?”

“What did I…?” Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he had the words for what he thought - if anyone had the words for what Hyunjin was thinking, it was apparently Changbin. He seemed like he had the words for pretty much anything, and more besides. “I thought it was amazing. You’re really creative, you know? And you have such a way with words.”

That wasn’t the half of it or even the quarter of it, but it was enough to have the other boy ducking his head a little bit, anyway, pressing his thumbs a little more firmly into the cover of the notebook. “I’m full of words and not much else, I guess. Gotta get ‘em out before there’s no room for any more in there. Might just blow up, otherwise.”

Hyunjin thought about the pages with the holes, about the pages that were completely blacked out with frustration, and felt like he kind of understood. “It’s a good idea, and they’re good words. I wish I could do that. I just…I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have read it. It looked like it was really personal.”

“It is,” he shrugged, “but I mean, if you don’t think any less of me ‘cause of what you saw in there, then I’m all good.”

Hyunjin knew he was staring, then. Staring at Changbin wasn’t really uncommon for him at this point, and it was something he usually enjoyed doing, but rather than spacing out as his gaze rested on the other boy’s strong arms or sharp jawline, Hyunjin found himself unable to take his eyes off Changbin like he’d grown a second head. He couldn’t begin to fathom why Changbin would expect Hyunjin to think less of him at _all._

So Changbin had a lot of thoughts, a lot of feelings. Lonely ones, scared ones, bitter and angry ones, wistful dreamy ones. Changbin felt _everything_. He had so so many feelings and was good at getting them out there and doing something cool and creative with them rather than letting them just...sit there and fester, turn rotten inside him and make him rotten, too.

Like Hyunjin did.

“Then you’re all good.” Was all Hyunjin could find it in himself to say, wishing he could properly articulate all the different things reading through Changbin’s notes had made him feel. “Really. It was kind of incredible.”

Changbin snorted, moving to hide his face behind the book and bringing it into contact with his forehead with considerably more force than he probably intended. “I- _ow_ , fuck! Now I _know_ you’re just trying to make me feel better after reading all that weird shit, huh? I swear I’m not super edgy all the time.”

Changbin was laughing, but Hyunjin wasn’t. Somehow, it was with his face turned away from him and partially obscured by notebook that Hyunjin really, truly found himself seeing Changbin for the first time. Seeing the _not good enough_ s and _not strong enough_ s with his own two eyes, feeling them practically radiating off the boy beside him like an aura.

Changbin was laughing, but it wasn’t very funny.

“Hey,” Hyunjin shuffled a little closer, their thighs pressed together side by side. He could feel the shake in his own voice, but held firm, balling his fists in an attempt to hold himself together. Hyunjin may not have been good with words the way Changbin was, but he had to try. “You’ve seen right through me, haven’t you? Until now? And you’re still talking to me for some reason.”

“Because you’re-”

“I wasn’t done.” Hyunjin regretted it before he was even done saying it, but while Changbin quietened immediately, he didn’t move away. Hyunjin rested a hand on Changbin’s knee, willing himself to stay cool. Cool-ish. Even just lukewarm. Everything - the silence, the mugginess of the summer night, the sudden, intense awareness of the height difference between them - felt so much more extreme, so much more intimate without the forced distance they would have had on the swingset. “I showed up here in basically my pyjamas, or without eating dinner, or wearing my bad day all over my face, and you’ve still been so…” He gestured vaguely with his free hand. “You’ve been so nice to me. You think I’m gonna think less of you because you hurt too?” Hyunjin felt Changbin flinch against him, and splayed out his fingers across Changbin’s leg, tracing little circles with his thumb. “‘Cause you do, yeah?”

There was a long silence, the nearby swingset _creak_ ing in the wind, and Hyunjin wondered for a while if he really had ruined everything.

Until, with a heavy sigh, Changbin rested his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, humming quietly in agreement.

“I guess,” Changbin mumbled, voice low. “I just wanted you to think I was cool.”

“I do think you’re cool.”

Changbin looked up at that, their gazes meeting before Hyunjin was really ready for it. His breath hitched, mind going blank as every point of contact between them - Hyunjin’s hand on Changbin’s leg, their bodies pressed together side by side, Changbin’s jaw resting on Hyunjin’s shoulder - suddenly felt like it was on fire.

Maybe it was just the summer heat making him dizzy, but he could have sworn that Changbin had leaned in a little closer, just for a moment, before pulling away with a strained sort of laugh. He turned around to put the notebook away and rummage for something else in his backpack, and as their eye contact broke, so did the spell that had settled around them. Hyunjin could breathe again. Almost. 

The glow of a phone screen in Changbin’s hands was strange, alien almost. Like a forbidden link to the world outside their secret midnight bubble, and Hyunjin didn’t really know how to feel about it. From the slight shake in Changbin’s hands as he held out one of a pair of earbuds - plugged into the device - to Hyunjin with an awkward smile playing at the corner of his mouth, perhaps he felt the same way. “I uh. I guess if you _really_ don’t think I’m a loser after reading all that cringey shit-”

“-it’s _not_ cringey. It was just _personal._ ”

“-fine, fine, all that _personal_ shit. You should probably hear what I ended up using some of it for. It’s a little, uh, messy, but my friend is gonna help me clean it all up some time. Don’t laugh.”

And Hyunjin didn’t laugh - he’d never laughed less in his life; he barely spoke at all, in fact, as the two of them quietly scrolled through a large folder of keyboard-smash-titled audio files stored on Changbin’s phone. Hyunjin’s heart was pounding in familiar beat patterns before the other boy had even hit play, familiar words of passion and frustration on a direct line from his eardrums to his chest like they belonged there. Wrapped around his heart, threading through his ribcage. Changbin was amazing. Changbin was _amazing_.

Changbin was right beside him, still pressed so, so close even though the length of their shared earbuds probably would have allowed them a little more personal space if they wished. They didn’t talk, they barely looked at each other, even - Changbin keeping his eyes on the stars and clearly trying to keep a measured expression as his own voice and own thoughts played through the earbuds. All Hyunjin could really do was stare at him, like he always did, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind.

At least, he was comfortable enough to eventually slip an arm around Hyunjin’s waist. They didn’t acknowledge that either. Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he would have been able to anyway, heart practically flipping in his throat.

They didn’t swing at all, that night, sharing Changbin’s earbuds on top of the jungle gym until the first hints of dawn began to spread through the sky.

“Thanks for sitting through all that,” Changbin began, just as Hyunjin opened his mouth to say _thanks for sharing all that with me_. They both laughed, before he continued. “When...when do you think you’ll be back here?”

Hyunjin swallowed hard. This was new - they’d never really made specific _plans_ to meet again before. But his heart was going haywire, and as the beats spread from his chest through the rest of his body, he thought about his own phone, about the playlists he would dance along to in his bedroom for hours on end. He may not have had words, a voice like Changbin did, but maybe Hyunjin had a passion as well, a way to bare his soul to Changbin the way Changbin had trusted him tonight.

Fiddling one of the lollipop wrappers that had fallen out of Changbin’s notebook between his fingers, Hyunjin grinned. “Tomorrow.” He may have gotten a little bold, then, reaching out to pop the little wrapper into the chest pocket on Changbin’s shirt and trying to ignore the flush he could feel in his own cheeks as he did so. “I might have something to show you, next time.”

  
  


Hyunjin’s family may not have had any plans for the summer vacation, but Hyunjin sure did.

  
  
  


_v._

  
  


Hyunjin had never run on less sleep for so long, but somehow had more energy than he could remember having in a long, long time.

Summer tended to be a stressful time for Hyunjin - even without school and grades hanging over his head, his parents always managed to find something, anything to nitpick over, and with Seungmin being busier than ever in recent years, he was pretty much stuck with his parents all day, every day until classes started again. This summer was no exception, but Hyunjin couldn’t find it in himself to care, somehow. Honestly, the vacation was speeding by all too fast as he spent each day eagerly waiting for night to fall.

Every _elbows off the table_ or _your hair is getting scruffy_ , every _college exams_ -this and _more like Seungmin_ -that washed over Hyunjin like water off a duck’s back as he kept his eyes on the clock, and as soon as a vaguely-believable hour rolled around Hyunjin would excuse himself to his bedroom under the pretense of doing his homework, or studying, or just getting to bed nice and early. And his parents seemed to believe it, as he did his best to seem bright-eyed and bushy-tailed over breakfast in the mornings no matter how little sleep he’d actually had.

And it wasn’t too hard to stay chipper, even though he was exhausted. Not when every single night, he’d climb out of his bedroom window with promise thrumming through his veins, hurrying to the park under the cover of night where Changbin waited, every single night, just for him.

Some nights they would swing; some nights they’d huddle close together on top of the jungle gym, sharing Changbin’s earbuds and dipping their hands into bags of snacks with more contact than was really necessary; some nights they’d kneel in the sandbox and create - swirling patterns and abstract shapes or just giant piles of sand before pushing each other over into the dust; some nights Changbin would show off a little on the monkey bars, clambering around with his strong arms on full display while Hyunjin watched him shamelessly. On all those nights, and all the others, they would talk and talk and talk. About anything. About everything.

Hyunjin still didn’t know a whole lot about Changbin, but he knew enough. He knew now that the other boy loved music with every fibre of his being, with everything he had, and desperately wanted to pursue it professionally despite the opposition from his own parents.

_“You’re so good at this,”_ Hyunjin had told him one day, kicking his legs over the side of the jungle gym along to the beat. _“You should do this for a living.”_

_“I want to,”_ had been Changbin’s response. He no longer ducked his head at Hyunjin’s praise - Hyunjin made sure to not hold back on it whenever he felt like it was due - but always glanced away for just a moment, like he needed to compose himself. _“That’s the problem.”_

Changbin had offered to teach Hyunjin a little bit. Teach him to rap, teach him to spit out his words with the same power, the same conviction as Changbin did. And Hyunjin had accepted. It had been more than a little embarrassing, as syllables tended to mix themselves up in Hyunjin’s mouth and tumble out as complete nonsense as the other boy’s gaze rested on Hyunjin’s lips, but the sheer delight in Changbin’s expression whenever Hyunjin got it right, or even just when he tried, made it worth it.

(Hyunjin would excuse his jumbled words as dizziness from the heat, summer still showing no signs of easing up on them. He wasn’t sure if Changbin believed him, but at least he didn’t ask.)

And Hyunjin had things to teach Changbin in return - he’d wanted to throw up from nervousness the first time he offered to show Changbin his dancing, but he knew he had to try, and as the first few beats of his favourite song pounded through his limbs and into the sand beneath his feet it suddenly became easy, something Hyunjin could do for hours, do forever - especially if Changbin _always_ looked at him the way he had been when Hyunjin caught his gaze.

He’d been sweating profusely, a little too eager to show off, when Changbin had joined him on the ground for a breather. _“Holy shit, you’re amazing,”_ Changbin had told him earnestly, squeezing Hyunjin’s shoulders just a little too hard. _“_ You _should do_ this _for a living.”_

_“I-” want to_ had been on the tip of Hyunjin’s tongue, but he’d stopped himself, taking a moment to breathe, instead. It wasn’t a thought he’d allowed himself to entertain, not for a long time, maybe not even ever, but hearing it from Changbin made it different, somehow. Made it feel almost a little bit okay to want something like that for himself. _“I was in the dance club at school.”_

_“Was?”_ Changbin had raised his eyebrows at that, and all Hyunjin could do was sigh.

_“I had to quit.”_ he’d lowered his voice, his remaining words almost swallowed up by the humidity that had settled in the air around them. _“I didn’t want to quit.”_

And Changbin had understood. It seemed like he always did.

Maybe that was why Hyunjin found himself liking Changbin so damn much.

  
  
  


He wasn’t sure how it was August already. The days were getting away from him, blending into each other almost, but something felt different tonight. Maybe it was the way Jeongin cheerfully waved at him through his bedroom window as Hyunjin lowered himself to the ground, expression no longer fraught with worry; maybe it was just the weather, the already impossibly hot summer spiking over the past few days and turning Hyunjin to liquid.

Maybe it was the way Changbin didn’t immediately answer him when Hyunjin called his name, only responding with a small smile as Hyunjin hauled himself up onto the top of the jungle gym with slippery palms, desperately willing himself not to fall.

“Hey,” Hyunjin breathed, settling beside Changbin as the other boy took his earbuds out. “You good?”

Changbin shifted closer with a noncommittal hum. “Better now.”

Oh. There was a strange tension in the air that Hyunjin couldn’t quite place, couldn’t quite swallow down. “Want to talk about it?”

Another grumble from Changbin, barely audible, and he shoved his phone into his pocket. “Eh, it’s nothing. Just...just missing my friends, I guess.” Hyunjin nodded, resting his fingertips lightly over the back of Changbin’s hand to encourage him to continue. He’d heard a little about Changbin’s friends before, but not much - there seemed to be two, who shared the same musical ambitions that Changbin had. He apparently didn’t get to see them very often, and Hyunjin had to wonder if perhaps either of them filled the role that Seungmin did for him, or at least always used to. Had to wonder if he himself could bring Changbin comfort in his own way. “It’s been a while since we all got to hang out, and I just- ah, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.” Hyunjin stroked the back of Changbin’s hand gently, worrying his bottom lip in his teeth as the other boy kept gazing out over the playground instead of looking at him. “It’s really not.”

“I wanted to see them today, but they had to work,” he sighed, turning up his palm to take hold of Hyunjin’s hand. “We’ll probably get to see each other soon, but I dunno, it just would have been nice if it was today.” A ghost of a smile played on his lips, then, as he gave Hyunjin’s hand a light squeeze. “It’s uh. Actually my birthday.”

Hyunjin’s entire train of thought crashed, all his previous musings about Changbin and his friends forgotten. It was Changbin’s birthday. It was Changbin’s _birthday_ . “Wait. It’s your birthday?” He spluttered. “Today? Like _right now?_ ”

“Yeah. Like, don’t get me wrong - we did cake and gifts at stuff at home and all, it’s just...awkward right now. You know.” Changbin laughed, but Hyunjin’s thoughts were still catching up, and as if noticing the way he’d suddenly spaced out, Changbin loosened his hold on Hyunjin’s hand.

“It’s your birthday.” Hyunjin repeated dumbly. “How _old_ are you?”

Somehow, he’d never thought to ask, and the flash of shock across Changbin’s face made it feel like maybe the other boy had forgotten, too. They’d just connected so well, so immediately, that the thought never crossed their minds.

“Eighteen today.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin swallowed. “ _Hyung_.” And Changbin nodded in understanding.

So Changbin was a year older than him - no wonder education and careers and the like were such a point of contention in his house right now, the question of college even more immediately pressing than it was in Hyunjin’s own home. A whole year, but also only a year, Hyunjin wasn’t sure what surprised him more.

Maybe the other boy - the _older_ boy - went to school after all. There were at least one or two other high schools on the other side of the city, so maybe one of those. It would explain why Hyunjin had never seen him around before, at least.

Changbin was eighteen. Today. It was his _birthday_.

And Hyunjin didn’t have anything for him.

“Hyung-” he began, pulling his hand away from Changbin’s. He didn’t miss the confusion in Changbin’s expression, or the way his fingertips followed Hyunjin’s hand for just a few inches before freezing, as if to reach out and catch him again before second guessing himself. “Wait here a sec, okay? I’ll be right back, I promise. You’ll barely even know I was gone.”

And Hyunjin was scrambling away, back down the side of the jungle gym cursing his hands for not quite being able to grip the bars properly in the sweltering heat. It was no big deal - he just had to go straight there and come straight back, it would take minutes, tops.

But something in his chest still ached at having to turn his back on Changbin, even just briefly like this. As his feet carried him to the nearest convenience store, he wondered if Changbin felt the same way whenever he left the park for a snack run.

  
  


It wasn’t cake, but the last packet of chocolate brownies on the shelf would have to do. It was strange, wrong almost, Hyunjin squinted in the harsh fluorescent light of the convenience store as he continued his search for some good snacks to take back to the park. To take back _for Changbin_. He did his best to try and recall the kinds of things Changbin would buy for the two of them to share, hoping he didn’t look like a total weirdo pacing the aisles in the middle of the night.

Still, if he looked like a weirdo, the bored-looking college student at the register didn’t seem to judge him for it, or even notice him, giving him all the time in the world to think.

Squid chips, pepero, cheese puffs - it looked like a decent enough spread for two, at least when all thrown together in a basket. It was far, far too warm outside for any of the hot food, and ice cream would probably melt before Hyunjin even made it back to the playground. Maybe it wasn’t much, but it would be okay, maybe.

Hyunjin only paused one more time on his way to the register, when a colourful bottle in one of the chilled cabinets caught his eye. It was a large bottle of the soda Changbin tended to carry with him, that he would often let Hyunjin share if the younger boy asked - even though Hyunjin never usually got to see it in proper light like this, the label was unmistakable, and he could almost feel it fizzing on his tongue already.

There was only one bottle, but Hyunjin put it in the basket anyway.

  
  


“Aw, you didn’t have to do this. You should let _hyung_ treat you~” Changbin all but _cooed_ when Hyunjin returned to the jungle gym, plastic convenience store bag rustling against the bars as he climbed up. He seemed considerably brighter, and Hyunjin wasn’t sure if it was at the thought of food or just…

“Not on your birthday.” He cringed internally at how genuine his own voice sounded, but it was true - Hyunjin had gritted his teeth through his own share of awkward birthdays at home, especially in recent years, and he really, truly hoped that even his mediocre effort would make Changbin feel a little more, well, _celebrated_ on his big day. “Happy birthday.”

“Happy birthday to me~” the older boy grinned, and opened his mouth with an expectant _ah~_ as Hyunjin made to open the packet of brownies.

Hyunjin wasn’t thinking, popping a piece of chocolate brownie into Changbin’s mouth as if on autopilot, and only really realised what he was doing as his fingertips lightly brushed against the other’s lips. The air felt too heavy, all of a sudden, a strange static buzzing through his thoughts as his hand lingered by Changbin’s mouth for just a little too long, as Changbin’s eyes went just a little glassy, almost.

The moment was over before it began, though, and Changbin gave an appreciative hum before holding up one of his earbuds in offering. And honestly, Hyunjin was grateful for the distraction.

They didn’t always listen to songs of Changbin’s own creation, and tonight was one of those nights. He only had so much to show, at least so much he considered good enough to show Hyunjin for now. So instead, they would quietly listen to the various playlists on Changbin’s phone - tracks he turned to for inspiration, for comfort, or just to set a mood. He really had a playlist for everything.

_This is one of my favourites_ , Changbin would murmur on occasion as they passed snacks and drinks between them, and Hyunjin would nod quietly, making sure to pay extra-special attention to whatever song had just started playing. Committing all of Changbin’s favourites to memory, like they’d help him understand the older boy better, somehow.

As the song changed again, Hyunjin opened his mouth to say something like _hey I like this song too,_ or perhaps _I didn’t know you listened to-_ but the words died on his tongue as something lightly bumped against his bottom lip, making him flinch.

He glanced over to Changbin, heart skipping a beat as the other smiled at him so, so softly, so so warmly, lips now pressed around a familiar little stick and another between his fingertips. Cheeks burning, Hyunjin parted his lips obligingly.

Strawberry again today.

The conversation died for a while, at least in spoken words. It continued in its own ways - in Changbin resting against Hyunjin’s side with a sigh, shifting a little to make himself more comfortable; in Hyunjin’s foot tapping against Changbin’s to the beat of the music; in Hyunjin’s heartbeat threatening to burst out of his chest, so warm and so full and so _free_.

The playground looked pretty amazing from the top of the jungle gym, in the moonlit haze mingled with flickering streetlamps. The sand practically glowed silver beneath them, just like the stars shining brightly above them. How a random playground in the middle of the city - with rusted swings and neglected equipment - had become their kingdom, Hyunjin didn’t know, but it was _theirs_. A place to leave their day-lit lives behind, for a while, and simply be as they were, even the sticky, oppressive heat of midsummer instead wrapping around the pair protectively like a shield, like a bubble.

Like they were the only two people in the whole world, and Hyunjin only had to worry about what Changbin thought of him, for once.

He wondered what Changbin thought of him.

It was a sudden realisation - as Hyunjin chewed on the plastic stick in his mouth, strawberry candy long since dissolved - that Changbin probably thought about Hyunjin in his actual, real life just as much as Hyunjin thought about Changbin in his own. It should have been scary, wondering what Changbin saw when he looked at Hyunjin, but somehow, somehow it wasn’t.

Because when Hyunjin was with Changbin, well, maybe he liked himself a little more than he did the rest of the time. And hopefully, that was the Hyunjin that Changbin saw, too.

“Hyung,” Hyunjin whispered around the lollipop stick, noticing on the dimmed screen of Changbin’s phone that somehow it was already approaching midnight. “Are you having a good birthday?”

Changbin looked at him, then, discarding his own lollipop stick onto a small pile of trash they were building just within arm’s reach. The static was back, buzzing under Hyunjin’s skin, crackling in Hyunjin’s ears as the older boy regarded him with a look in his eyes that Hyunjin couldn’t really say he’d never seen before - he’d seen it a lot by now, actually, and knew Changbin could probably see it in Hyunjin’s own eyes, too.

As if in slow motion, Changbin reached over to pull the lollipop stick out from Hyunjin’s lips, slipping an arm around Hyunjin’s waist as he moved closer, impossibly close.

“Yeah,” he murmured softly. Hyunjin felt it more than he heard it, his heartbeat roaring in his ears and deafening him to the whole world save for the tiny _rustle_ as the plastic stick landed on the trash pile, forgotten. “I am.”

Changbin’s hand came to rest on Hyunjin’s jawline, and Hyunjin all but melted against him as the older boy brought him closer still to close the last tiny gap between them.

Kissing wasn’t something Hyunjin had much experience with, kissing other boys even less so. No more than a couple of chaste pecks shared with his middle school girlfriends and one moment of mutual curiosity in the secrecy of Seungmin’s bedroom. In theory this was much the same - a gentle press of lips on lips, gradually feeling things out between them as their pulses skipped, jumped before falling into time - but at the same time it was totally different, like nothing Hyunjin had ever experienced before.

Changbin tasted of apple candy, a slight tang on his lips that had Hyunjin’s mind reeling. The older boy was gentle, almost hesitant, a tiny shake in his fingertips betraying him to be just as nervous as Hyunjin himself was. Knowing Changbin felt so vulnerable with him - _could_ feel so vulnerable with him like this - made Hyunjin feel bold, feel brave, maybe even a little bit stupid.

It was the middle of the night and here Hyunjin was, on top of the jungle gym in a run-down playground kissing a boy who made him feel like nobody else ever had. His phone was muted, he had homework to do, nobody had _any_ idea where he was - his parents would have killed him if they could even imagine this, and Hyunjin quite frankly didn’t give a damn.

This was something Hyunjin _wanted_ , and he was starting to get a little hooked on letting himself have what he wanted, for a change.

It was with that thought that when the two parted, ever so briefly, for breath, it was Hyunjin who immediately leaned in to kiss Changbin again. Changbin met him halfway, bolder this time as he wound his fingers into Hyunjin’s hair. They kissed again. Again. Again and again and again.

  
  


They stayed like that for what felt like hours; kissing, kissing, kissing. And even later on at the crack of dawn, when Hyunjin was under his blankets at home and hugging his pillow tight against his chest, he just couldn’t seem to calm himself down. Not when the taste of apple candy still lingered on his lips, sending his heart racing all over again.

He’d never fall asleep like this.

  
  
  


_∞_

  
  


“Earth to Hyunjin~ Earth to Hyunjin~ are you in there?”

Hyunjin blinked. Blinked again. Whatever he’d been daydreaming about had slipped through his fingers like playground sand at the sound of his best friend’s voice, gently pulling him out of his reverie. His best friend. Seungmin. Seungmin’s house, Seungmin’s bedroom, Seungmin’s bedroom floor with textbooks scattered around them in a vague parody of productivity.

Oh yeah - Hyunjin was supposed to be doing his summer homework, but it wasn’t going very well. The book in front of him was upside down. “Ah...sorry. I’m just not with it today I guess.”

“I figured. You’ve spaced out on me three times in twenty minutes.”

With a sheepish laugh, Hyunjin made to turn his book the right way up, but Seungmin’s hand stopped him halfway, pushing his fingertips away. Before Hyunjin could even form any kind of response in his mouth, Seungmin had closed Hyunjin’s book, then his own, pushing them aside decisively. “You know,” he began, and honestly Hyunjin really did not know because this wasn’t like Seungmin at all. “We’ve worked hard, let’s take a break from assignments for now.”

Hyunjin hadn’t done any work all day, and knew that Seungmin could tell, too - he hadn’t even uncapped any of his pens. Still, he watched the other boy close all of the books within arm’s reach and place them in neat piles, clearing a space between them. Seungmin wanted to _talk_ , Hyunjin realised belatedly as his best friend settled in front of him, wringing his hands in his lap - Seungmin always liked to focus on the conversation at hand like that, without any distractions or interruptions.

The hard part seemed to be figuring out where to start.

“So…” Hyunjin offered a lead, something for Seungmin to take hold of and move along with, and swallowed nervously when Seungmin looked him in the eye as if to accept it. There was something in Seungmin’s gaze that Hyunjin couldn’t read, and he wasn’t sure what worried him more - that, or the possibility that the same was _not_ true for Seungmin, and somehow the other boy could see every last one of his secrets written all over his face.

“So.” Seungmin repeated, holding Hyunjin’s gaze like it was a challenge. “Hyunjin.”

“That’s my name, yeah.”

“Are we good?” Any and all of Hyunjin’s defenses died on his tongue at that, Seungmin clearly keen to get to the point. All he could do was blink dumbly, waiting for the other to continue. “I mean, you’ve been really weird lately.”

“Probably just the weather getting to me-”

“- _lately_ meaning pretty much _all year_ . I don’t know if I just got boring or something, maybe I talk about college too much, I don’t know. But it feels like-” he pursed his lips, quietly contemplating the ceiling as if oblivious to the internal _panic_ he’d set off in Hyunjin. “-it kinda feels like you’re avoiding me, maybe. This is the first time we’ve really hung out all summer, but you’re somewhere else, I can tell.”

And all Hyunjin could do was look at the floor. Because Seungmin was right.

Seungmin was right; Hyunjin had been somewhere else entirely since the school year started, since his parents told him in no uncertain terms to quit the dance club he loved so much and concentrate on his studies, since Seungmin had cheerily laid out his plans for his study abroad programs and his exam prep and his college major and all kinds of other things that Hyunjin had nothing to compare to. Since knowing what he _should_ want and the fear of what he _actually_ wanted warred against each other in Hyunjin’s head, roaring and raging and reducing the voices of his teachers, of his parents, of his best friend to little more than background static.

Especially since it all became too much, and a split-second decision in a moment of desperation had Hyunjin clambering out of his bedroom window in the middle of the night.

He wondered, briefly, how Seungmin would feel about Changbin.

He wondered how Seungmin would feel about how _Hyunjin_ felt about Changbin.

“You didn’t call me when I was in America. Not even one time.” Seungmin continued, softly but matter-of-factly, and Hyunjin could only sigh. “I miss you.”

“I’m sorry.” The words were bitter on Hyunjin’s tongue, short and sharp but _god_ did he mean them for the first time in what felt like forever. This wasn’t like dealing with his parents, apologising for being wrong - for _existing_ wrong - to excuse himself from the situation before it had the chance to become a Situation. This was Hyunjin’s best friend, and while he may not have thought about it at the time, Seungmin apparently really did care that the Hyunjin he knew had all but disappeared on him. An apology was the least he was owed. “I guess I just- ah, I’ve had a lot going on, that’s all.” He flinched as he noticed Seungmin’s eyes widen in curiosity. “I mean, there’s been nothing actually going on. At all. I’m just stuck in my own head I guess.”

Seungmin nodded quietly, reaching out to lace his fingers together with Hyunjin’s.

A few of their textbooks fluttered and rustled as a cool breeze blew through Seungmin’s bedroom window, and Seungmin pressed their hands together a little more insistently, as if he could draw Hyunjin’s hesitation out through his palm. “Are you okay?”

Hyunjin wasn’t sure how to respond.

In the playground under the cover of darkness, Hyunjin was okay. Well, maybe he wasn’t completely okay, but _that_ was okay. It didn’t matter if he’d been scolded that day, or if he felt stupid, or if he didn’t know what to do next - because he also felt strong, felt interesting, felt _wanted_ , like he could just enjoy the moment because the next step was a problem for later, for daylight.

Here, in the afternoon sunlight glaring through Seungmin’s window, Hyunjin wished he could bottle that secure, comforted feeling for the times he needed it most. For the times when the watch of the world was too heavy on his shoulders. When words and thoughts and feelings were too much and all he wanted was to dance until his body and soul went numb. When his textbooks blurred into nonsense in front of his eyes.

Seungmin was still waiting for an answer.

“I miss dance club.” Was what ended up coming out of Hyunjin’s mouth instead of any of those things.

It seemed to make sense to Seungmin, though, and he squeezed Hyunjin’s hand tightly. “I still don’t get why you quit,” he hummed, toying with Hyunjin’s fingers. “I was talking to my mom about it, actually. She didn’t know you quit and was asking when your next performance was.”

“You quit debate club, though?” Hyunjin watched their joined hands, processing Seungmin’s words. “You know, to study more.”

“Well, yeah. Because I want to get into a really specific and really competitive English program. And I figured extra classes and more self-study would help me get there more than the same amount of hours sitting in debate club would.” Seungmin shrugged, as if it were obvious. “You and dance, though- Mom and I, I guess we both figured you’d end up majoring in it? Or skipping college entirely and trying out for an entertainment company or something, you know?”

Hyunjin really didn’t know, thoughts short-circuiting. It wasn’t something he’d really allowed himself to entertain for more than a moment since he was in middle school, not even Changbin bringing up the possibility could make it more feasible in Hyunjin’s head. The older boy was rebellious, fanciful - he could say wild things like that and it would almost make sense. The moonlight made anything seem within reach, even just for the night.

The same words coming from Seungmin just didn’t seem to register properly. He made it sound almost-

“Ah. No.” Hyunjin swallowed hard, mouth suddenly dry. “I needed to quit. There was- there was no future in it.”

“Who told you that?”

  
  


Hyunjin couldn’t answer, and after a long, painfully long silence, he hid his face in his hands with a heavy sigh. He felt like he’d physically shrunk several sizes, deflated even.

Seungmin, thankfully, didn’t push the subject, and instead gestured for Hyunjin to come closer before guiding him to rest his head in Seungmin’s lap. It was something they used to do all the time, before things changed - before _Hyunjin_ changed - and it seemed easy enough to fall back into the habit as Seungmin ran his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair.

It really was starting to get long, but if Seungmin thought it looked scruffy, he didn’t seem to feel the need to say so.

“You could probably still talk to the dance club before the school festival,” was what he had to say instead. “They’d probably make an exception for you.”

Hyunjin hummed softly, closing his eyes. Like this, the sunshine through the window felt warm on his skin, his friend’s eyes on him a caring gaze rather than piercing scrutiny. Soft. _Safe._ Maybe this was a taste of how it would feel to be the same Hyunjin he was in the playground at night all the time. “Maybe when all my homework is done,” he began, unable to stop himself from smiling just a little when Seungmin laughed. “I...I’m really sorry, Seungmin. I shouldn’t have shut you out like this. I just have all this- there’s so much- ugh, I just don’t know where my head is at.”

“Well, we can deal with the homework first, yeah?” That was more like the Seungmin that Hyunjin knew so well, and he’d never been so glad to hear it. “You should sleep over again sometime, it’s been forever, and we could talk more about what’s going on in there, maybe.”

“If your parents would be okay with that?”

“They’d love that. They miss you too.” Hyunjin sighed again, tipping his head back as Seungmin’s fingertips continued to card through his hair. He felt lighter, somehow. “We should do that soon. I mean, we’re running out of summer, after all.”

  
  
  


They really were running out of summer.

It was getting harder for Hyunjin to ignore - even if he avoided looking at the date, it was the little things that reminded him, at every turn, that the vacation was almost over. He’d finished all of his homework, for one thing, filling him with a strange sense of freedom now that the assignments were no longer hanging over his head. His school uniform had been washed, dried, even ironed, and waited in the corner of his bedroom for the start of the new semester. His entirely speculative, impulsively sent text to the leader of the dance club asking what the team were working on for the school festival had warranted an entire video in reply, captioned _it wouldn’t be hard to tweak the formations for one more!! ;D ;D ;D_

And more than anything else, each degree that the temperature dropped at night was like it was gradually slipping out of Hyunjin’s grasp, needles of chill threatening to burst the summer haze that he and Changbin had made their haven.

They’d stayed out all night until the crack of dawn, laughed until they cried, kissed until they were breathless. It was theirs. It was _theirs_.

And now, the march of time was going to take it away.

Unless something changed.

  
  


It wasn’t cold, not yet, but the air against Hyunjin’s skin as he launched himself from the swingset on a whispered count of three had held a distinct crispness that hadn’t been there before. The sand no longer stuck to his skin in quite the same way, instead falling easily back onto the ground. As much as Hyunjin had grumbled about the amount of sand in his bedsheets recently, something about the lack of resistance stung, just a little bit.

It was just another thing he wasn’t ready to let go.

They’d been there for a while, now, flat on their backs in the sand. Neither of them had made any effort to return to the swings after jumping off, and for now, just staring up at the stars in silence seemed to be enough.

Hyunjin’s fingertips twitched in the sand, grubby with rust from the swingset chains. His eyes were still on the stars, but he knew without looking that Changbin was close by, just barely within reach, and wanted so much to reach out and take the older boy’s hand. But he wasn’t sure what he might say if he did, such close contact with Changbin doing strange and embarrassing things to Hyunjin’s brain-to-mouth filter. And so he simply lay there, scooping up small handfuls of sand and letting them run between his fingers.

“Hey,” Changbin was the first to break the silence, his tone soft, almost hesitant. It had Hyunjin’s breath hitching. “Do you…” Hyunjin could hear him swallowing hard, hear shuffling sounds as the other boy brushed his dusty hands off on his shirt. “Uh. Do you know a Han Jisung?”

_What?_

“I-” that was...Hyunjin hadn’t known what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that. Neither of them had ever brought anyone else up in conversation like that before, never by name, and all at once it was as if their bubble had burst completely, allowing the outside world in to come between them, interrupt them. “I guess so? He was in my class before…”

“Before he dropped out, right?” Hyunjin caught himself nodding, even though he wasn’t sure if Changbin was even looking at him. Still, he could hear the older boy chuckling quietly. He didn’t sound amused - more...strained. “Yeah. Funny world. I uh, finally got to hang out with the guys today, they both had the day off work, and Jisung was going through my stuff and found some. Uh. Dumb little doodles.” Changbin’s _dumb little doodles_ tended to be shorthand for his pencil sketches, which were most definitely not dumb. Rough as they may have been, they ranged from the thoughtful to the utterly ethereal, and Hyunjin wasn’t entirely sure how this concerned him yet. “And he was like, _‘hey, I didn’t know you knew Hwang Hyunjin.’_ ”

He’d never felt so _exposed_ . “Oh.” His mind scrambled to catch up, putting together the pieces. Someone knew. Someone _knew_ . There was something connecting Changbin and Hyunjin outside of the playground, out there in the real world, in their real lives, and he didn’t know how Changbin felt about that. He didn’t know how _he_ felt about that.

Hyunjin almost, _almost_ took half a moment to wonder what sketch his former classmate had seen, exactly, to recognise him on sight, before Changbin interrupted his thoughts. “I uh, just told him I knew you from around. We hang out.”

For the first time in months, Hyunjin felt cold, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth as the stars began to blur together a little, unfocused.

“I guess we do.” he exhaled quietly. “It’s gonna be difficult to keep meeting like this when summer ends.”

Hyunjin’s unasked question hung in the air around them, uncomfortable, unanswered.

A horrible tension tightened in Hyunjin’s chest, and he was tempted to simply excuse himself right then and there. But he couldn’t - he couldn’t just leave and never come back, he didn’t _want_ to leave behind everything they’d built between them, no matter how strong he felt the urge to hide. He wanted to stay, needed to stay, needed to resist the sudden jumpiness in his limbs, the catch in his throat.

Changbin’s hand wrapped tightly around Hyunjin’s own, gritty and dusty and flecked with chips of old paint from the jungle gym and warm and strong and _perfect_ , and suddenly Hyunjin couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

“Hyunjin, what do you want?”

Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, squeezed Changbin’s hand hard. He’d heard this question from Changbin before - about school, about dance, about his future - but never like this. Never about _them_. He never did know the right words to answer him, and today was no exception.

Hyunjin wanted…

Hyunjin was still learning how to let himself want. He was still learning how to let himself feel a lot of things, mostly from following Changbin’s lead.

“I’m not the one who’s good at words and stuff, hyung. You are.” He could feel his own voice quivering, but held firmly onto Changbin’s hand. If he concentrated, he could probably count every last grain of sand pressed between their palms. “What do _you_ want?”

A thoughtful hum from beside him, like Changbin was really, truly considering the question. It made Hyunjin nervous, but the older boy’s hand still holding tightly onto his own held him together at the seams.

“Me?” Changbin began, pausing until Hyunjin whispered _yeah_ into the darkness. “Hm...I wanna introduce you to my friends. Properly.” Hyunjin’s breath hitched. “I wanna meet you after school and talk about our days. Wanna take you out for dinner that isn’t from a convenience store.” He took a breath, then, lowering his voice. “I wanna sneak you over to my house when my parents aren’t home and kiss you in my room. See your pretty face in proper light and stare at you for hours, if you’ll let me.” It was like the height of summer all over again - chill in the breeze all but forgotten as every inch of Hyunjin’s body felt like it had caught fire. “I want to make this something real.”

“I-” just like Changbin to know all the right words for what Hyunjin was feeling, just like him to take Hyunjin’s breath away, every time. He wanted to introduce Changbin to Seungmin, even if just as his friend, for now. He wanted to invite Changbin to the school festival to watch him dance, show off a little, show off a lot. He wasn’t sure what waited for them in the real world, but he wanted to _try_. “I want that too. I really do.”

A long silence washed over them, but it was comfortable, somehow.

Until, as Changbin pulled his hand away from Hyunjin’s, a dim glow entered the corner of Hyunjin’s vision with a quiet _shuffle_ of fabric and sand.

Changbin’s phone, earbuds and all, pressed into Hyunjin’s palm. “Then let’s make it real, yeah?” And the older boy was grinning, beaming, brighter than the phone and the streetlamps and the stars and the moon and the sun, even. Hyunjin’s heart was practically in his throat, and he could barely croak out any kind of intelligent response as he closed his fingers around the device. “Yours too, yours too~”

He fumbled for his own phone, quickly passing it to Changbin to enter his own contact details while Hyunjin did the same on Changbin’s. Maybe they’d done this whole thing a little backwards, maybe a whole lot backwards, but it was fine, they were fine.

**_From: Seo Changbinnie-hyung <3 <3 <3_ **

_♥_

“ _Seo_ Changbin.” Hyunjin repeated a few times under his breath, getting used to the shape, the taste of the name in his mouth. It worked, it fitted. He liked it.

“ _Hwang_ Hyunjin~” Changbin copied him, pulling Hyunjin into his lap the moment both of their phones were out of sight and mind. Hyunjin let him, pliant under the older boy’s hands as every last hint of tension melted out of his body. He was good. He was great. He had sand and rust all over his hands as he brought them to rest on Changbin’s jawline, and neither of them really cared. “I like you. I really, really like you.”

“Maybe you should write a song about it.” Hyunjin pretended to keep his cool, and probably failed, as Changbin pressed a light kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

“Maybe I did,” he murmured, sending a shiver up Hyunjin’s spine. “Maybe more than one, and maybe they just suck too much to show you yet, so I gotta tell you like this instead. That I like you. Like a whole lot.”

“I like you so much, hyung.” And that was the last of it until the sun came up, with no more need for words. If Hyunjin had learned anything over the summer, it had been what it was like to be kissed silly, how it felt for the world to end entirely at the feeling of lips on lips, and yet somehow it felt like the very first time all over again, like it was brand new. Because in a way, it was.

This wasn’t sand slipping away through his fingers, this wasn’t candy dissolving on his tongue, nor was it the cover of darkness blasted away by the coming of daylight. This was something Hyunjin could hold on to, something he could make last. More than sand or sugar or starlight, the feeling of having something that made him feel so good so securely within his grasp was what he needed to bottle and take into the real world with him.

If he had that, maybe it wouldn’t matter if he and Changbin never came to the playground again. They could make their own place anywhere they wanted, take it with them wherever they went.

That sounded good to Hyunjin.

  
  
  


~

  
  


When Hyunjin hurried to Changbin’s side at the school gates, linking their arms to fall into step beside him, it was far from his first time seeing the older boy in daylight. The uniform, different from Hyunjin's own, was still new; but not his face, grinning as he easily took Hyunjin’s sports bag from him to carry it himself.

Still, even if it had been the very first time, Hyunjin would have recognised him immediately. Not from his face, not even from his voice, but from the warmth - putting every summer night to shame - that bloomed in his chest at Changbin’s smile.

  
  
  


~♥~

**Author's Note:**

> in case anyone would like them~
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/jicasso_future) \+ [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/futurelikejicasso)


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